VIENTIANE, LAOS — Last Saturday, September 10, media channels across the globe released joyful reports of the international diplomatic community expressing its collective approval after beloved Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte committed to working with the United Nations and the United States of America on human rights.

“As Chair of the ASEAN and President of the Republic of the Philippines, I am confident that the people of the Philippines and Southeast Asia are fully committed to working with the United Nations and the United States of America to uphold the highest standard of human rights across the globe, in the spirit of international solidarity,” President Duterte announced to the media, before heading to a private “”meeting”” with the delegations of the UN, Indonesia, Laos, and the US.

The “”meeting”” was held from 10 PM to 4 AM at the penthouse of a Presidential Suite in Laos’ state hotel, where the heads of state from across Southeat Asia were booked throughout the duration of the 3-day ASEAN Summit. Foreign Affairs Secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr. said that the “”meeting”” was very productive, describing it as a “”night of solidarity.””

“[Secretary General] Ban and [President] Obama are two of the greatest human rights leaders of our time,” further added President Duterte as he expressed his admiration of UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon and US President Barack Obama.

Meanwhile, Yasay denied insider reports that the “”meeting”” allegedly came to an abrupt end as President Duterte had to be carried to his hotel room after vomiting on Senator Alan Peter Cayetano, who spent the entire meeting handing out beverages to the Heads of State and members of the Philippine Delegation.

“Hindi lasinggero si Pangulo[ng Duterte], wag po tayong maniwala sa mga haka-hakang pinapakalat ng mga Enemies of Change,” said Yasay between burps.

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